2004 Groves Conference on Marriage and Family
“Integrity and Survival in Families and Communities”
Oklahoma City, OK
May 26-30, 2004
PROGRAM SUMMARY
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
At 10:00 AM, a small but mighty, dressed-to-work group consisting of Karen Arms, Dudley Chancey, Leslie Koepke, Marcia Lasswell, Edith Lewis, Harriette McAdoo, John Swanson, and Connie Steele left the Renaissance Hotel with two staff members (Cindy and Jose) from the Latino Community Development Agency. We drove to two homes in the Oklahoma City area to mow lawns, prune bushes, rake leaves, wash windows, clean bathrooms (and kill cockroaches!). The homes are part of the transitional housing program the Latino Community Development Agency received grant money for in order to assist women and children who have experienced intimate partner violence. At noon, we drove to the agency to have lunch with one of the families who will move into one of the homes. Lunch (flautas, arroz, beans, guacamole, and a delicious rice/milk dessert) was prepared for us by a woman in the Latino community. Cindy talked about her work with women in the community (mostly illegal immigrants who know little or no English), and how the agency attempts to meet their needs by building a supportive community. Jose talked about his 26 week program for perpetrators which focuses on developing anger management skills and other partner skills taught from a culturally sensitive perspective. After lunch we drove to a third home - to work off our lunch! Many thanks to Cynthia Tobar (Director of the Intimate Partner Violence program) for organizing our day. The service project was a perfect match for the conference theme – and gave us the opportunity to help contribute to individual resilience through building community!
Opening Reception (Oklahoma Museum of History):
Thanks to Sherri Vance, Curator of Education for the Museum, for arranging a warm and informative welcome to Oklahoma! Terrific appetizers and beverages greeted us after we toured galleries which included the history of the Native American tribes in Oklahoma (37 tribes of over 500 nationwide), the history of the development of the state – which included the history of the African American towns (Boley being one of the few still in existence). A singer/songwriter, Mary Catherine Reynolds, along with her friends, provided musical entertainment to accompany the museum moseying. Dennis Zotieh and his dance partner from the Absentee Shawnee tribe educated, entertained, and exercised (!) us though traditional songs and dances.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Judith Landau (Linking Human Systems) was our morning plenary speaker and she provided a framework for the rest of the conference by talking about ways to enhance family and community connectedness to access and increase resilience. Her warmth, personal experiences, and skilled knowledge provided the informational and emotional backdrop for the conference. Several workshops followed given by Groves members (Jo Lynn Cunningham, Connie Steele, Kennett Hobbs), as well as one provided by Public Strategies, Inc. about the history of the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative and programs to strengthen families offered by their agency as a result of the legislation. Following lunch, we toured the Oklahoma City National Memorial and Museum. The mission of the Memorial was particularly significant to the conference theme: “We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope and serenity.” Later that evening we met across the street from the Memorial, where Pauline Boss facilitated a 6 member panel consisting of survivors, family members, caregivers, first responders, and chaplains who had first hand experience with the Oklahoma City bombing. Dr. Boss provided a framework of “Ambiguous Losses” though which to hear their stories. The panel was, in the words of one Groves member “the most powerful and helpful panel I’ve heard in 20 years of Groves Conferences.” Following is a sampling of some of the panel members’ statements - which may help those who were not present understand why and how the conference theme of integrity and survival evolved as a result of our initial visit and conversations with people living in Oklahoma.
“Trauma is not an individual journey. It is a journey where healing and support comes through community.” “You can get bitter, or you can get better.” “Caregivers, to be truly effective, must first take care of themselves.” “What did we do? We just listened and loved.” “I will always second guess the decisions I made for my wife (as a caregiver) – you just make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time.” “I will always wonder if I had been stronger, faster, and smarter – could I have done more?” “We all have a choice when faced with adversity: will I choose to react as a victim, or will I be a survivor? Will this defeat me or will I turn it into something good?”
Friday, May 28, 2004
We began our day at 8:15 AM by awarding the Sussman Award (Marvin was in attendance, adding special meaning to the event) to Pauline Boss, Lorraine Beaulieu, Elizabeth Wieling, William Turner, and Shulaika LaCruz for their article “Healing Loss, Ambiguity and Trauma: A Community-Based Intervention with Families of Union Workers Missing after the 9/11 Attack in New York City” published in the October, 2003 volume of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Congratulations to all of them – their article and experience was a lived example of the 2004 Groves conference theme. A series of workshops followed (thanks to Julia Malia, Phoebe Tucker, Joyce Fields, Jim Peters, Coco Readdick and John Robinson), and then we had an entertaining lunch with a gentleman “Ike”, played by Mike Adkins, who moved to Oklahoma, participated in the “land run” days – and lived during the “Year of the Turnip!” Afternoon workshops followed (thanks to Charles Figley, Norma Burgess, Karen Goebel and Jo Lynn Cunningham), along with 4 hours of free time to explore the area. Two vans drove to Shawnee, OK to tour the (very different) Headquarters of the Absentee Shawnee tribe (thanks to Jennifer Makaseah) and the Citizen Pottawatomi Nation (thanks to Linda Capps). Later that evening we enjoyed an elegant Presidential Dinner complete with awards, gifts and much laughter. In a brief Presidential Address, “Future of Groves,” Connie Steele based her forecast on the comments from numerous Groves members about the value and meaning they attach to “being a Groves.”
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Five past Presidents of Groves took on the challenge to consider the “Six Questions of Socrates” (“what is moderation - Mary Hicks; what is piety – Judith Fischer; what is courage – Roger Rubin; what is virtue – Connie Steele; what is justice – Robert Ryder; and what is good – responses from school age girls and boys”) which allowed us to consider these historic questions in light of the conference theme and present times. A final round of workshops followed (thanks to Marcia Lasswell, Karen Arms, and Betsy Garrison and Mandy Swanson) and then - after consultation with the local weather stations regarding tornado warnings! - we left for Boley, OK. Although Boley is one of the few surviving African American towns in Oklahoma, the rich heritage of their community is evidenced through their annual barbeque, parade and rodeo. Originally the event was organized to welcome weary black families who, after the Civil War, traveled to the area for freedom, land to farm, and a new life. The welcoming ritual became an annual tradition that exists today and honors the integrity and survival of a people.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
The day began with breakfast and our annual business meeting chaired by President Connie Steele. We then packed up and left Oklahoma City – hopefully with a greater understanding that, in community, we (individuals and families) are strengthened.
Mary Hicks and I thank all of you who attended and contributed your words and experiences to make the conference a helpful and hopeful experience!
Submitted by:
Leslie Koepke
Conference Co-Chair